"Know thyself"
Dating is about two people learning to fit together. We can't date well if we don't understand what we think and feel – and why. From there, we can start figuring out what kind of person we want to be with, as we actually understand our thoughts and feelings.
It pays to ask some obvious questions ourselves, such as what things we like and what our pet peeves are. It pays much more to dig deeper. Even for something as simple as really liking ice cream, there's much more to discover. Do I like it for its texture? Its flavor? Is it that I associate ice cream with celebrations or with good friends or family members? Which brands and flavors do I most enjoy? Why?
This kind of questioning allows us not only to choose better when and how to enjoy ice cream, but also may allow us to better identify other things that we would enjoy that we might not have tried otherwise. It also allows us to articulate ourselves (as an aside, articulateness is more about understanding than it is about expression).
Take another question that goes (perhaps) closer to the heart. I love books. It's fairly normal to have a discussion about which books I've enjoyed reading – and this is a good discussion. But it can be much more interesting for both parties if we go deeper. What makes these books stand out? How did the author create the experience that I so enjoyed? What do I like about these characters? What about this book that seems similar? Why did I enjoy this book but not that one? What are my favorite passages in the book? Plot elements? Ideas?
The more we know about ourselves, the better able we are to express ourselves and find common ground. For illustration, let's imagine that I'm on a date and that she and I are discussing which books we enjoy. If I say that I enjoy one genre (say, science fiction) and my date says that she typically reads a different genre (say, history), we may conclude that we don't have much in common in this area. On the other hand, if I can name a few favorite works (such as Asimov's Foundation and Dune) and my date names a few favorite historical works (including Gibbon's The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire), we may find that we have a great deal in common. After all, Foundation is essentially an exploration of history in a futuristic setting. In one sense, it is simply a recounting of the end of the Roman empire adapted to space. It is also a supposition about how a person or a small group of people might profoundly influence the future. It might be that my appreciation for Foundation would be greatly enhanced by reading Gibbon and my date might love Asimov after having been introduced to his work in that light. If we didn't know our tastes well, we would be very unlikely to stumble across this deep, interesting commonality.
Many of us are in the habit of compromising when it's possible for both parties to get everything they want. For example, when I marry, I may discover that I prefer sleeping with the window open but my wife prefers to have it closed. If we dig deeper, I'm after fresh air and she's after quiet. It may be that a bit of white noise from a fan would help both of us. Or it may be that I could spend a weekend improving the house's ventilation system to allow for fresh air with a closed window. If we argued about the window instead of understanding and expressing ourselves, we'd never find that common ground.
Another reason to look in the mirror is that it solves the (seemingly opposed) problems of insecurity and overconfidence. Knowing ourselves allows us to love ourselves as we are, as we cannot love what we do not know. And loving ourselves resolves our insecurities, freeing us to focus outward and love others. It also helps us to see how we can improve. By improving ourselves, we can become our best selves – and nothing we can do will do more to make our loved ones happier.
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