Switching gears

This weekend, I wrote a post. It was a little snarky and maybe that's why I had second thoughts about posting it. So I reverted it to a draft and removed all external links to it.

It didn't take long to discover that my feed still had the article. Anyone who follows my blog using a feed aggregator (like Google Reader, Thunderbird, or Outlook) can still see it, although the pictures in it are now gone (after I went to Picasa to delete them myself).

I've been a little bothered by the complication of blogger. The HTML it produces is ridiculously decorated. And there's the issue of Google Analytics; I trust Google to be responsible with the data its analytics tools collect, but I don't know that I want my readers to have to be tracked to read my postings. And there's the simple fact that it isn't my server and it's not under my control. Most importantly, conversations go to blogger to die because the default is for no email notification to be sent for follow-up comments. So people comment and then never know that anyone responded.

On the other hand, maintaining my own server is no trivial task. It'd cost money, even if I only wanted a domain name registration – and that would mean paying for power and cooling for my own server. I'd be responsible for updating it. It'd take time.

But I sure would learn a lot writing my own blog.

So I will. But I'll probably end up just using wordpress in the end. Incidentally, keep your eyes open for a change of location.

When I grow up

I started writing a blog post about different fields of study and jobs that I've tried or thought about and how none of them has worked out. I realized that much of my introductory material is essentially the same as this post, which I wrote 16 months ago. There are, of course, some differences in what I would emphasize or how I'd phrase things, but it's mostly the same.

The bottom line is that I'm still not really into my research. I suppose it might be a little different if I were in another job. If I were on an assembly line, I could do good work even though I didn't think much of it. But as a researcher, I can't do high-quality work without being fully invested in it. So far, I haven't been fully invested and it's crippled my ability to perform.

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I sense much fear in you

While at my social dance group last night, I stopped to talk with a friend. In essence, she mentioned my lack of fear. To make her point, she observed that I am capable of performing an interpretive dance in front of my peers. She said so because she's seen it happen. I offered to talk to the DJ to give her the chance to do the same. Wide-eyed, she declined. I suppose that my exploits make me look fearless; after all, dancing strangely in front of one's peers can have unfortunate social consequences.
I think that I appear fearless because I'm willing to take uncommon risks: performing in front of people, stepping up in group situations, taking a long shot on asking someone out, and so on. But the more I think about my behavior and motives, the more I see fear lurking inside.
It isn't that I don't feel fear;Read the whole story...

Stepping off my soapbox

I wrote an article about communication a little while ago. I have strong feelings about communication because it is crucial to the success of relationships and relationships are what life is all about.

To be perfectly fair, my temperament puts me on one extreme of the spectrum of communication styles: I’m direct. This, I’m sure, will not surprise anyone who knows me. It’s not that I can’t pick up on unspoken messages or read between the lines; it’s that I’m always uncertain if I’m interpreting things correctly (that is, in a way that harmonizes with reality). My inability to discern the meaning behind veiled communications has caused me no end of trouble and I’ve chosen to rebel against the system.

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The unlikely role model

Author’s note: This post refers frequently to the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon series. It may be difficult to appreciate without first becoming familiar with the series – in particular, with its characters. I have made no effort to avoid revealing what happens. When I say Avatar, think of the little, bald Airbender. At no point in this post will I refer to blue people with USB ports to their brains.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve watched half of the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon series with my roommates. We’ve followed Aang, Katara, Sokka, and Toph in their adventures as they’ve met several other characters, including Zuko, Azula, and Iroh. It struck me recently that the characters are archetypal; probably, this was intended by the creators of the series. Aang is agile of body and mind and embodies gentleness. Katara is kind and determined and learns quickly. Toph is stubborn, direct, and a little boorish. Zuko is hot-headed and impulsive. Azula is calculating, precise, and completely unscrupulous. Iroh is ridiculous and lazy on the outside, but his actions reveal that he is compassionate and patient. Each one has a background that makes his or her personality plausible.

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That stupid Cheshire Cat won't leave me alone

I missed another homework deadline yesterday. As I typically do when I’m frustrated, I took a minute to think about what I’ve been doing, what I wish had happened, and what I could have done better. As I did a personal accounting of my time, I thought about what I’ve been doing during the day. I really have been pretty disciplined about working on homework or research. Even when I’m traveling, I do a decent job of thinking about the task at hand. As I thought about the research topics I’ve considered in an attempt to find something I really want to do, I kept thinking of what President Hinckley said: it was something to the effect of “I don’t care what you do as long as it’s honorable.”

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Filling in the gaps with feeling

I’m uncomfortable with uncertainty. Actually, I’m absolutely terrified of it. In a sense, I spend every minute of every day trying to eradicate the specter of uncertainty – and to ensure that the certainty is what’s desired. For example, I am virtually incapable of relaxing about a class’s coursework until it is mathematically impossible for me to receive a grade lower than what I’d like. I consider things carefully and reason thoroughly. It’s no wonder, then, that I’ve been told that I can seem cold or heartless or that I’ve had frustrated friends tell me that logic isn’t everything. Of course, I had as much trouble appreciating their point of view as they seem to have with mine.

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Hyperopia, or trying to see the end from the beginning

As part of my continuing efforts to choose a field for research, I’ve considered more topics than I care to count. Over the course of the last year or two, particularly in the last six months, I’ve become excited about several different topics, only to have that interest diminish after a short time.

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I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I didn't give a lot of serious thought to my career before my mission. I enjoyed the introductory digital systems class and decided to be an electrical engineer. A year or two after my mission, I realized that although I enjoyed electrical engineering, I didn't care enough about it to spend my life with it. After some considerable investigation and consideration, I decided to become a medical doctor. Because of some other experiences I've had, I also wanted to get a PhD so I could do research to improve the world.

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How I finally decided on a career

As I've mentioned before, I've been trying to decide for some months between two different career options: teaching seminary and teaching computer science. I needed to answer two questions: which of the two I wanted to do and which, if either, God would have me do. I came to know early on that it was my decision to make. So I gathered information and thought deeply and often about the advantages of either choice.

As part of this decision-making process, I taught a seminary class for the last two weeks. I couldn't believe how great my students were. They were attentive, helped each other, and really wanted to learn about the gospel. I had fun getting to know them and trying to be the best teacher I could be for their specific needs.

Halfway through my two weeks, we discussed the first two chapters of the Book of Mosiah (in the Book of Mormon). I thought I'd been a little too dry, so I tried to make the lesson a bit more entertaining than my previous two. My efforts were moderately successful, and I thought the lesson went extremely well.

As I left the building, I thought about how much I loved teaching these students. It's challenging and fun. I realized that the single thing I love most about teaching seminary is the feeling I get when I teach the gospel. The Holy Spirit testifies of truth, and it testifies most strongly when we learn something new or when we teach others (see http://scriptures.lds.org/en/dc/50/21,22#21). As I thought about it, I realized that I recognized the feeling from the countless times I've taught others about the truths I know and hold dear, formally and informally. It was the same feeling I enjoyed in those particularly good lessons on the mission, in the devotionals I taught to my participants at EFY, and in conversations with friends. I realized that because I have no plans to stop living and talking about the gospel, I have no reason to suppose that I'll stop having opportunities to teach the gospel.

This realization meant that the largest motivation I had to teach seminary over any other career was largely irrelevant. I hadn't yet decided, but I immediately recognized that this would be an important consideration in my decision.

Towards the end of the week, I talked with a professor and friend of mine. I don't remember what we were discussing, but I remember that we touched on some research I'd heard about last year that was a collaboration between electrical engineers and classicists. I remember thinking that perhaps my niche could be to encourage such collaboration between departments and colleges. I thought that I would only be able to fill this particular niche if I decided to pursue a career in computer science. As with my previously mentioned consideration, I filed the fact away for further consideration without making a decision in the moment.

The next day, I went to the temple. I had a moment to sit and think and pray. I took advantage of the opportunity to discuss what I'd learned with God and to ask Him to help me to gather the information I would need in order to make a reasonable decision. I had expected a long, drawn-out process over the course of the next several months. So I was floored when I had the distinct impression that God told me that He'd already given me all the information I needed. I thought for a moment, made a decision, and told Him about it. He accepted and approved of my decision.

I am now preparing for a career as a professor of computer science.

Stumbling into life aspirations

This summer, I knew that I had one year left in my undergraduate education and that the time to make a decision about my career was fast approaching. I've been torn for some time between two different career paths: teaching in a seminary and teaching at a university. I love to teach the gospel, so seminary teaching appeals very much to me. That said, I love teaching just about anything. I'd be able to provide more for my family as a professor than as a seminary teacher, and I think that teaching computer science would be a great use of my natural logical abilities.

Seminary teaching would not require an advanced degree, but computer science teaching would. Since I'm not yet sure which way I'll go, I've been preparing for both eventualities. That means that I took the GRE this summer and that I started to look into research opportunities, TAships, and signed up for the next seminary teaching class. I hope that as I try these things out, I'll have a better idea of what to do.

Besides the question of which career path I'd like to take, the route of computer science requires an answer to another question: what will be my emphasis? I enjoy many aspects of computer science, but although I tried to familiarize myself with many of the current topics in CS, I failed to find something that I was sure I wanted to study indefinitely. A research topic was the subject of much thought, study, and prayer throughout the summer.

I started doing some research with a professor who taught one of my classes last year. I wasn't at all sure what I wanted to research, but some of his work sounded interesting and I decided that I'd never know unless I tried. So I decided to jump in. I started my research in parallelization on Thursday.

Towards the end of my first few hours in the lab, a man came by and spoke with my advisor briefly. The two of them left shortly thereafter for some sort of meeting. Someone pointed out that the man who had just walked past was featured on a flyer in the hallway. His research sounded interesting, but I figured I wouldn't see him.

I left a few minutes later. I passed an auditorium as I was leaving the building and noticed my advisor speaking in the front. He was introducing Matthew Might, the man whose research had sounded so interesting. I slipped in the back and noticed another professor and friend of mine seated nearby and sat next to him.

As Dr. Might spoke, I quickly became fascinated. Fireworks began to explode in my brain: he was talking about something that really made sense - something that I could actually study for my whole life!

In the midst of the pyrotechnic spectacle, the professor seated next to me leaned over and asked if I would TA for him. I had decided during the summer that I didn't have time to TA, no matter how qualified I was or how much I wanted the experience. My initial reaction was that I had no time, although I wanted to accept. While still observing the shooting stars that seemed to originate from somewhere near the projector screen in the front of the room, I tried to come up with a way to fit a job as a TA into my schedule.

I suddenly realized that I would most likely be able to count my research as a class and drop another, thereby freeing up more time than I would spend as a TA. A brilliant, smiley-faced shape erupted in the sky, accompanied by a resounding cannonade.

I asked the questions, filled out the paperwork, and made the changes to my schedule that were necessary to accommodate all of this.

I'm tempted to think of this as happenstance, but I know better. The Lord heard each of my prayers this summer and answered quickly and powerfully. In so doing, He reminded me that He is watching over me and will always act for my benefit. I know that God loves me enough to show me wonderful opportunities. By extension, I know that He loves all of His children in the same way.