Stand still

I have a confession to make, which may compromise my nerd cred. I don't particularly care for Legos and I never really have. I could cite several reasons that I never cared for them, but I'm going to focus on the one that's applicable to this article. I'm about setting and achieving goals, but Legos aren't about building according to the instructions. They're a creative exercise and that has never really appealed to me. So even as a kid, I was fairly incapable of just playing for the sake of play.

My name is Petey and I get stuff done.

In years past, the things I hoped to accomplish were simple tasks. I could think of a goal, plan to do it, and do it before losing interest. My attention span has grown a bit, but the length of time it takes to accomplish something worthwhile has grown much more.

What's more, many of the things I hope for now are at least partially out of my control. I can save up to buy a house, but I can't control when a house that I actually want to buy will be on the market. I can go on dates but my actions won't necessarily instill interest in me (although they could certainly dispel that interest). I can drive carefully but can't do much about the other drivers who don't. The list goes on and on.

Working towards goals that are outside of my control is nothing new to me; to some extent or another, the success of our endeavors always depends on circumstance. So I've contented myself with working as hard as I can to do what I can do to encourage circumstance to cooperate with me and simultaneously trusting God to provide whatever is necessary. I also choose to trust that when I don't get something I've tried to achieve that I'll be better off without it.

Usually, I can do both of these things at once. In fact, I've become dependent on my ability to work towards goals. Most of the divine intervention that I've seen as I've tried to achieve things has been subtle direction towards things I can try to get where I'm trying to go.

But I've had a very frustrating week. I was talking about it with a friend and realized that, for at least one of my goals, there may be nothing I can do at the moment. This is only a small step up from giving up, which is completely out of the question.

Please forgive me if I seem melodramatic. I'm currently trying to cope with the fact that my primary method of dealing with the world isn't effective.

Fortunately, the way ahead is clear. I just need more faith. The best summary I know is in the Doctrine and Covenants, which I accept as scripture: "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed" (D&C 123:17).

For me, the current application seems clear. I have done, for the time being, all that I can do to achieve some of my goals. In these facets of my life, it is now time for me to stand still. Standing still doesn't mean that stop trying entirely; I still need to give God every chance to bless me that I can. But it does mean that I stop beating myself up about it. And it absolutely means that I need to trust Him. In the past, trusting Him has always meant that I did what I could and believed that He would bless me. But now, I need to trust Him without some of that effort. And with that effort, I must also sacrifice the illusion of control. I have to square with the fact that it is not my efforts or abilities or determination that will provide the outcomes I seek but that, to the extent that I get what I want, it is due to His goodness.

This is going to be a big transition.

A rock feels no pain

I recently experienced a significant disappointment. It didn't come as a surprise but it wasn't really what I wanted, either. Since that experience, I've paid careful attention to my emotions and have been surprised at how gentle they've been. I feel fine. I'm not sure that I ought to feel fine, though, and I've been wondering if there's something wrong with me and my emotions.

I'm sure it will come as no surprise to my friends that I took a while to question what the ideal of emotional experience is, what my current experience with it is, what difference exists between them, and what I can do to close the gap. I had an interesting thought yesterday: what price would I pay to experience more emotion?

This question probably deserves some background. As I've discussed previously, I decided long ago that anger would not be a part of my life. Since then, I've chosen to avoid acting on feelings of anger and have learned to process those feelings. I've learned to give others the benefit of the doubt and to be patient. Years later, I sometimes experience frustration and occasionally indignation but anger really isn't a part of my life. When I do experience a feeling like anger, I'm able to arrest its development, remove myself from the situation, and deal with it on my own without expressing it at anyone else. I've cultivated this control carefully over the years. I've considered it to be a part of the ideal that I call emotional maturity for some time. My conception of this ideal, in summary, has been that a person ought to use reason and emotion together to make decisions without allowing either one to dominate the other. Anger should be avoided because it's specifically condemned in the Sermon on the Mount and because it is so strong that it overrides reason.

Yesterday, I questioned that ideal. Specifically, I asked myself if I would be willing to sacrifice the control I've cultivated for more than half of my life if it meant deeper emotional experience.

I thought about it and discussed it with some close, trusted friends. I concluded two things: if there were something wrong with me emotionally because I've been controlling myself too tightly and if it were possible to remedy the situation by letting go, I ought to do so. My experience has been that when I've gravitated to one extreme, I have to release the fear of the other extreme in order to progress towards a proper balance between them. I also decided that I don't think there's anything wrong with my emotional state. I'm not hiding from my emotions and I'm not suppressing them; I just don't happen to have a strong emotional response to some things and that has surprised me but simply is the way it is.

This morning, I was flipping through Preach My Gospel as part of my daily scriptural study. I came across the section about hope in chapter 6. As I read, a strong feeling of peace came over me. I realized that I have learned hope. I live it. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that, no matter what happens, my life can be happy – and that other lives can be happy, too. I realized that when, as the saying goes, the Lord shuts a door, I don't stand there and look at it as darkness closes around me; I simply locate the best open door I can find and move towards it. I was grateful to be reminded that I can, in fact, feel emotion and more grateful for the divine approbation that this communication implied.

Now, dear readers, please excuse me. I have worlds to conquer.

A few thousand words, take two

Author's note: I wrote this blog post a few days ago. Soon after posting it, I felt as if I shouldn't have and reverted it to a draft. I figured it wouldn't do any harm to remove it as it had only been up for a few seconds. It's been interesting to see the reaction of my friends and readers, some of whom disagreed with any revision after an article had been posted.

I believe in transparency. I don't intend for this to happen again; I'll be more cautious than before about what I post. I'd like to make it clear that the primary reason that I'm posting now what I did before primarily because my conscience is clear regarding it, not because of pressure.

I attribute my unsettled feelings to the fact that as I looked for images suitable to make into posters, I came across many unsavory images, despite my best efforts to avoid them. The effects of these images has diminished over the intervening days, but was intense. This experience has served to remind me how acutely dangerous pornography is. Needless to say, I'll be even more careful than before to avoid it.

Below this line, this post is identical to what I posted a few days ago.

---

I hope my readers will enjoy the little posters I made. I don't mind if you take my ideas and modify them, but you might want to check with the owners of the images (listed below).

Yes, a healthy glow looks good. But all you need for that is to emerge occasionally from your cave.

I think that too many of us believe that we're actually more productive when under the influence. I don't buy it.

It has always mystified me that people extol alcohol for making social interactions easier. I think we'd be better off if we actually learned to face our fears. Also, ethanol reeks.

Secondhand smoke is vile. Please stop.

NYC is full of people who clearly spend time exercising – and who smoke. Clearly, their objective is not long life.

I'm not sure if I can think of anything that would send me running faster than a girl who smells like smoke. Gross.

But buying on credit seems to be normal. Why would you do that?

This one kind of sums up the rest of them.

---

Original image sources:

coffee

cocktail

tanning bed

bogart

cigarette

ripped guy smoking

ostrich sign

credit cards

You may say I'm a dreamer

I think the valedictorian at my high school had a GPA of over 4.5. I remember that I had friends who would avoid taking a class because it wasn't honors or AP and would bring down their GPA, even if they got an A. My approach was to take the hardest (and therefore most beneficial) classes that taught things I wanted to learn. Needless to say, I did not have a 4.5.

But when I went to college, my GPA was too low to even apply for the scholarship I wanted. I worked hard to get good grades. Towards the end of my undergraduate education, I started to realize that I'd made a huge mistake: I was trying to get good grades instead of trying to learn. I began focusing on internalizing the material instead of just succeeding. I learned more, enjoyed it more, and my grades were at least as good as before.

I'm glad I learned that lesson as early as I did but wish I'd learned it earlier. Since then, I've learned a lot about how I learn and about how others learn. I've also learned about how our educational systems could improve. This post describes the problems as I see them and my suggestions for how to improve them.

Read the whole story...

Following a choir director (or how not to date)

I've been practicing with a choir for a few weeks in preparation for a big performance. The choir has a different director for each of the three songs we've been practicing and each of them has a unique style of directing. As is to be expected when styles differ, there are things that I like and that I don't like about their different conducting styles.

Since conducting music is essentially communicating, I realized that the things that I don't like about their styles typify some common problems in interpersonal communication. So I'll describe what I dislike about each one's style and why and then relate it to interpersonal communication, especially in dating.

I'd add again that I like these men. I appreciate what they've taught me and hope they won't take offense at this, particularly in light of the fact that each of them is a more qualified conductor than I.

Read the whole story...

When I grow up

I started writing a blog post about different fields of study and jobs that I've tried or thought about and how none of them has worked out. I realized that much of my introductory material is essentially the same as this post, which I wrote 16 months ago. There are, of course, some differences in what I would emphasize or how I'd phrase things, but it's mostly the same.

The bottom line is that I'm still not really into my research. I suppose it might be a little different if I were in another job. If I were on an assembly line, I could do good work even though I didn't think much of it. But as a researcher, I can't do high-quality work without being fully invested in it. So far, I haven't been fully invested and it's crippled my ability to perform.

Read the whole story...

I’m an old man: What I learned from Taylor Swift

I own copies of two Taylor Swift albums and a single. This is about as much as I own by any artist, excepting the Beatles. I'm pretty sure my liking for her music flies in the face of the stereotypes that are typically applied to me: most computer geeks don't (openly) listen to her, and I'm not sure that most men my age do, either. Despite the seeming incongruity, I love what she has done. She has a gift for melody and another for words. More importantly, her songs about love are usually about love and not lust - a sadly rare distinction but one that is very important to me.

As with the work of any artist, some of Taylor's works speak to me less than others. For example, I like that Mean fights back against abuse but think that the vengeful attitude it portrays won't solve the problem. I have a problem with The Way I Loved You because I've felt like the nice guy who finished last too many times. I don't really get the whole kissing in the rain thing (Taylor: feel free to contact me if you'd like to educate me). And some of her songs have rubbed me wrong because they are so wholly about emotion - and because they sometimes depict an unrealistic idea of emotional satisfaction. Being as left-brained as I am, this is fairly natural. But, at least in this last regard, I'm beginning to experience a change of heart.

Read the whole story...

Sweeter than Fiction

I read the entire Percy Jackson series from cover to cover in eleven days. The fantastic nature of the stories was a captivating escape: for a few minutes at a time, I fight the minotaur or meet Artemis instead of writing something boring for homework. Even more interesting than the richly colorful world of Percy Jackson were his abilities; being Poseidon’s son, Percy can breathe underwater, sail inhumanly well, create seawater out of nowhere, control the water around him, and gets strength, health, and stamina simply by being in contact with water. One of Athena’s daughters takes an interest in him for some reason and he duplicates a lot of Heracles’s feats – and even does some of them better than Heracles did. I’m sure it won’t surprise anyone acquainted with my proclivity for delusional daydreams that I adored the vicarious experience.

Read the whole story...

Optimizing away efficiency

I’ve been changing lots of things in my life and I’ve been considering several other changes. I’m in the process of changing banks, I’ve been thinking about moving in with some friends, the way I go about dating is constantly changing as I learn, and I’ve been organizing some of my congregation’s efforts to reach out. My schoolwork hasn’t lessened and I’m trying to have a social life (which includes, but is not limited to, dating).

As I wondered about these changes and the time they’ve required, I began to see a pattern. It’s not that they’re all necessary; it’s another form of perfectionism. I’m always looking for ways to improve things.

Read the whole story...

Stepping off my soapbox

I wrote an article about communication a little while ago. I have strong feelings about communication because it is crucial to the success of relationships and relationships are what life is all about.

To be perfectly fair, my temperament puts me on one extreme of the spectrum of communication styles: I’m direct. This, I’m sure, will not surprise anyone who knows me. It’s not that I can’t pick up on unspoken messages or read between the lines; it’s that I’m always uncertain if I’m interpreting things correctly (that is, in a way that harmonizes with reality). My inability to discern the meaning behind veiled communications has caused me no end of trouble and I’ve chosen to rebel against the system.

Read the whole story...

How to spot errors in political (and other) arguments

Introduction

There are several logical fallacies (or errors) that are lamentably common in political discourse (and normal conversation) today. What's worse, people - even educated people - seem to be persuaded by these fallacious (that is, flawed) arguments. This post will point out a few common ones and will conclude with an assignment designed to challenge the reader to apply his/her new knowledge.

Before diving into the details, I should explain the structure of a logical argument. First, the speaker (for simplicity, I'll assume that the speaker is female) explains premises, or the facts and ideas that are the basis of her argument. She then applies reason - formally, argument forms - to reach some conclusion. The use of valid argument forms and true premises guarantees that the conclusion reached is true. It is possible to disagree with an argument on the basis of a premise or on the basis of an error in reasoning.

It is also important to note that most debates actually center around things that aren't rigorously provable. For example, many political arguments cite statistics that may or may not consider all of the possible causes and outcomes. The studies provide evidence but do not provide proof. In many cases, the arguments can't be disproved, either. The room for debate is what makes political discourse interesting and this post won't make everyone agree. I hope that the information in this post will help to improve the quality of our conversations.

Read the whole story...

The unlikely role model

Author’s note: This post refers frequently to the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon series. It may be difficult to appreciate without first becoming familiar with the series – in particular, with its characters. I have made no effort to avoid revealing what happens. When I say Avatar, think of the little, bald Airbender. At no point in this post will I refer to blue people with USB ports to their brains.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve watched half of the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon series with my roommates. We’ve followed Aang, Katara, Sokka, and Toph in their adventures as they’ve met several other characters, including Zuko, Azula, and Iroh. It struck me recently that the characters are archetypal; probably, this was intended by the creators of the series. Aang is agile of body and mind and embodies gentleness. Katara is kind and determined and learns quickly. Toph is stubborn, direct, and a little boorish. Zuko is hot-headed and impulsive. Azula is calculating, precise, and completely unscrupulous. Iroh is ridiculous and lazy on the outside, but his actions reveal that he is compassionate and patient. Each one has a background that makes his or her personality plausible.

Read the whole story...

Everyone's special: another way of saying no one is

I’ve been going through the cartoon series Avatar: The Last Airbender with my roommates recently. It reminds me of all of the great adventure movies, books, and shows that I have enjoyed and that I still enjoy. There’s something fantastic about watching or reading about someone who uses fantastic ability (super or not) to accomplish great things. I get a huge rush out of vicariously saving the world, especially when it requires stupendous skill to do so. The more I think about it, though, the more I think that the rush comes from the illusory satisfaction of my colossal vanity.

I keep thinking of the conversation that Dash has with his mother in The Incredibles:

Dash: But Dad always said our powers were nothing to be ashamed of, our powers made us special.
Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.
Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.
(Source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317705/quotes)

Read the whole story...

That stupid Cheshire Cat won't leave me alone

I missed another homework deadline yesterday. As I typically do when I’m frustrated, I took a minute to think about what I’ve been doing, what I wish had happened, and what I could have done better. As I did a personal accounting of my time, I thought about what I’ve been doing during the day. I really have been pretty disciplined about working on homework or research. Even when I’m traveling, I do a decent job of thinking about the task at hand. As I thought about the research topics I’ve considered in an attempt to find something I really want to do, I kept thinking of what President Hinckley said: it was something to the effect of “I don’t care what you do as long as it’s honorable.”

Read the whole story...

Filling in the gaps with feeling

I’m uncomfortable with uncertainty. Actually, I’m absolutely terrified of it. In a sense, I spend every minute of every day trying to eradicate the specter of uncertainty – and to ensure that the certainty is what’s desired. For example, I am virtually incapable of relaxing about a class’s coursework until it is mathematically impossible for me to receive a grade lower than what I’d like. I consider things carefully and reason thoroughly. It’s no wonder, then, that I’ve been told that I can seem cold or heartless or that I’ve had frustrated friends tell me that logic isn’t everything. Of course, I had as much trouble appreciating their point of view as they seem to have with mine.

Read the whole story...

Hyperopia, or trying to see the end from the beginning

As part of my continuing efforts to choose a field for research, I’ve considered more topics than I care to count. Over the course of the last year or two, particularly in the last six months, I’ve become excited about several different topics, only to have that interest diminish after a short time.

Read the whole story...

No more excuses

I just read a couple of news articles about two horrible, violent acts. I realized that my greatest fear is that I'll do something monstrous to someone else and think of myself as a monster, not to be trusted around anyone. I'm glad that I've never had to forgive anyone else for something like what I read today.

But then, I realized that I'd have trouble forgiving myself for the same acts. At first, it seemed natural because they are deemed inexcusable in society. I believed that they were, in fact, inexcusable. And, by extension, unforgivable.

Read the whole story...

Life lessons from video games

I have played a lot of video games in my day. They are a form of entertainment, pure and simple. But as I look back, I'm surprised to see what I've learned and what I can learn from them.

A few years ago, I played a game on my roommate's computer called Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR). The plot centers around Jedi who lived years before the Star Wars saga began. A people, some of whom are Jedi, work together to stop an evil Sith from taking over the galaxy (to no one's surprise). As I played the game, my characters would "level up," or become more powerful. When they leveled up, I could choose how they developed; they would develop skill with various force powers, such as Force speed, the ability to destroy droids, or Force choke (Darth Vader's signature move).

I was pretty put out when I discovered that I couldn't develop every ability and make a character who did it all. I have always enjoyed making my characters so irresistibly powerful that no foe could possibly challenge them. It's still possible to make the character ludicrously powerful, but not in every way; the player is forced to choose some sort of emphasis.

Read the whole story...

Feelings of inadequacy at Christmastime

It doesn't take a whole lot to excite me, so the glitz of Christmastime is more than enough. I love the lights and the music and everything else that's shiny. But Christmastime can be a downer, too.

I love to serve people. I can't think of a thing that makes me happier than putting a smile on a friend's face. I try to find and to meet others' needs every day, regardless of the month.

During the month of December, the people around me seem to catch the vision. Everyone knows about opportunities to serve and takes them. People become so generous and happy. And I feel exactly the same, so I think that I'm falling behind.

This feeling, of course, is not a positive one. It reflects a desire to excel (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/dc/58/41#41). Its premise doesn't even make sense; it is based on an oversimplified comparison that I make between myself and others. I can't possibly know enough about my own psyche to adequately compare myself to anything and certainly can't know others' thoughts well enough to compare.

My feelings of inadequacy at Christmastime demonstrate a need for me to improve: to improve my attitude and to rid myself of the habit of comparing myself to others. Pres. Eyring suggested a healthier way to improve (found here): I can compare myself with myself at times past. If I am improving, then so will my feelings at Christmastime. My hope is to continue to build on my strengths without trying to make myself better than anyone except my past self. I am confident that if I do so consistently, each Christmastime will truly be brighter than the last.

Even Spiderman...

I frequently hear comments about myself. People say things like "Petey can talk with anyone," "Well, he's Petey - of course he can [insert action here]," and "Petey is always happy." Not knowing what to say, I usually content myself with a quip about people thinking that I have superpowers.

I'll leave the debate about superpowers for another day, as it is irrelevant to this post.

My point is that, superpowers or no, even superheroes can't do it all. Spiderman failed to save his girlfriend's life (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Night_Gwen_Stacy_Died). Superman even died (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Death_of_Superman)! And Petey absolutely cannot do it all - I have limitations.

I'll digress long enough to explain that although I am usually cheerful, I am not always happy. Even people who seem happy are not always happy. Please take time to be kind to everyone, including the people who don't seem like they need it.

I was up late doing homework the last couple of nights. As a result, I slept in a little later than I'd hoped to be up this morning. I got up in time for my busy day: I was going to start at 9am and likely have no breaks in church-related and other meetings and social events until about 7pm, with a short break around 5pm for dinner. I got up at 8am, which was enough time to be ready to go at 9am. As so commonly happens, something came up that I didn't expect and I didn't get any breakfast by my first appointment in the morning.

For those who aren't aware, I am hypoglycemic and am under doctor's orders to eat regularly and healthily. By 10am, I was already feeling the effects of low blood sugar and knew that I wouldn't be worth much to anyone - including myself - if I didn't get something to eat. The only optional event in my schedule began at 10am, so I bowed out of one of my favorite Sunday activities: going to a hospital to sing hymns to those who want them. Instead, I ate breakfast and wrote an email to my little brother, who is a missionary in Florida.

As much as I want to be a good student, serve others, and perform well in every aspect of my life, I can't do everything. I sure wish I could, though. I guess it's time to let go.