100 things I'm grateful for

I've been working on this list for several months, off and on. It seems my life is pretty awesome. I don't mean to brag; I just hope my list makes you a little more grateful for the blessings in your life.

1. I have friends who care about me.
2. God listens when I pray.
3. God put me here on this earth to learn and gave His Son to get me back.
4. I get to learn daily about how the world works.
5. I am healthy and strong.
6. I've been blessed with an acute intellect.
7. There is beautiful music.
8. Nature is beautiful.
9. Nature provides never-ending opportunities to study.
10. I get second chances. And thirty-fifth chances.
11. There are magnificently powerful tools to help me accomplish almost anything.
12. There are holy temples all over the world and I get to attend them frequently.
13. Even the people I don't know are usually really nice to me.
14. There is lots of freely and reasonably priced art available in lots of forms.
15. I have a good singing voice.
16. There are more good books to read than I could possibly digest in a lifetime.
17. God guides me. He knows what He's doing, even though I don't.
18. My body heals itself.
19. Not everyone is the same as I am, which makes life interesting.
20. I have a stable family.
21. I was raised in a home where education is valued.
22. My basic needs have always been met.
23. I was able to become financially independent while still in college.
24. I basically never had to pay tuition.
25. For almost every topic, I have a friend who is knowledgeable about it.
26. There are libraries.
27. The internet allows me to access information quickly.
28. I can communicate instantaneously with people all over the world.
29. There have been and are prophets and their teachings are invaluable.
30. The prophets also provide good (but human) examples.
31. My friends know my quirks and shortcomings and still want to be my friends.
32. I have friends who are willing to call me out when I'm wrong.
33. I have friends who can see qualities in me that I can't see.
34. People teach me the lessons they've spent a lifetime learning.
35. My mission changed me forever.
36. I have frequent opportunities to serve others.
37. I'm capable of growing a beard.
38. I have enough flexibility to take a nap when I need one.
39. Hot showers during cold winters.
40. Worlds don't end when I err, which is a luxury not afforded to movie characters.
41. My ex-girlfriends aren't ex-friends.
42. People do so much good that I see it even when I'm not looking for it.
43. My car works and even looks pretty good.
44. I'm not dead, despite the many times I've been in serious danger.
45. Thanks to freezers, I can enjoy basically any food at any time.
46. I know stuff about nutrition.
47. I look pretty good bald.
48. Dancing is fun and I'm good at it.
49. People's parents seem to like me.
50. People can change - myself included.
51. Someday, I get to have a family.
52. The chant "You're either with Petey or against America!"
53. I've had lots of opportunities to benefit from the wisdom of generations past.
54. Little children have a knack for believing and seeing the best. It's inspiring.
55. I get to live in a place where there's room to spread out and breathe.
56. My mother taught me how to cook.
57. My mother taught me manners.
58. My father taught me to always do what's right, regardless of circumstance.
59. In-laws: they're sudden extensions to the family.
60. I've never had to fight to defend myself and likely won't have to.
61. I live in a culture where most people deal effectively with bodily odors.
62. I get ample reminders to do good things and improve.
63. I get ample reminders that I'm actually a decent guy.
64. Summertime.
65. I've always had a ward, so I've always had friends.
66. It's okay to take a break when I need one; there's always more time.
67. Beyond my necessities, I enjoy several luxuries.
68. I can type. It's fast, accurate, and otherwise less annoying than writing.
69. I get divine help when I need it, even for mundane tasks.
70. There are many good examples of familial happiness and stability.
71. My whole life is perfectly designed to teach me what I need to progress.
72. Winter is beautiful.
73. The sun always comes back.
74. The vast majority of the bad things that could happen don't happen.
75. Exercise works. It's possible to do hard things and not be sore later.
76. Nerd skills come in handy.
77. Affordable gamma lids.
78. Poetry beautiful enough to get my attention.
79. I live in a time where violence is discouraged rather than encouraged.
80. The ability to learn from my mistakes.
81. Writing allows me to express myself and to think through my problems.
82. Different cultures capture different truths. We get to learn from them.
83. It's fun to learn languages and doing so changes how I see the world.
84. My failures and disappointments have made me better.
85. Every once in a while, I hit a string of green lights.
86. People I haven't seen in years are happy to see me again.
87. Deciduous forests.
88. Mountain lakes.
89. I sometimes get feelings of surpassing wonder. They're never predictable.
90. My vivid imagination makes my life incredibly rich.
91. Hoods and hats go a long way towards keeping my bald head warm.
92. There's a reason to laugh every day. Often, there are several.
93. My great sense of smell is coupled with a strong resistance to revulsion.
94. When there aren't great people to spend time with, there are good books.
95. Most of the things I need to do become interesting if they aren't already.
96. Sometimes I do something and am met with a shocking degree of success.
97. People often value my opinion.
98. There is always something new to boggle my mind.
99. I've had uncounted wonderful experiences and I know many more are coming.
100. As terrific as this life is, there's something much better waiting.

Update: Fixed a typo in #71. Life teaches me things. It does not reach me things.

Peteys are like onions

I've been trying to learn how to play the guitar and the piano recently. Not having a piano, it's fairly hard for me to practice. But I have a friend who does and when I visit his house, I try to take a minute to practice. I've taken to playing one of my all-time favorites: And So It Goes by Billy Joel.

Although I've liked this song for some time, it has assumed a special meaning to me. First, a bit of background.

It's no secret that people's first impressions of me vary. In fact, they vary so much that I could probably write an entire blog post (or a series of them) on the subject. Since many people first see me in large group situations, it's pretty common for people to think of me as loud and energetic – sometimes, even disruptive. I think that my openness comes across quickly, as well. These impressions are all correct: I'm unafraid of large groups and frequently take charge when no one else has done so. Sometimes, I'm the one who organizes a game of freeze tag simply because freeze tag is awesome. I don't mind broaching subjects that make lots of people uncomfortable. And I write fairly personal things on this public blog.

Unfortunately, many of my acquaintances seem to think that they've got me pegged with their first impression. As is the case with every person who has ever lived, there's more to me than meets the eye.

I'm not terribly concerned with the people who assume things about my character because of their first impressions of me. In fact, several people have thought ill of me when they first met me, only to form wonderful friendships with me later.

What concerns me is that, because I'm comfortable in groups and because I'm so open, that people make subtler assumptions about me. One that is especially worrisome to me is that sometimes people assume that I express everything that I think and feel. I say so much that I don't really blame people for thinking as they do about me. But the thoughts and feelings that matter most to me are the ones that I express most selectively.

One facet most people don't see is the pain that I feel. I don't usually share my struggles, especially in public settings. I frequently wish I could talk about them but don't always know who will listen; my problems tend to be so different from the problems of others that my friends have trouble relating. I've even opened up just to be told (in an annoyed tone) that my problems are desirable and that I should stop whining.

I'm perhaps most guarded about romantic affection. I'm open about my admiration for people and form friendships easily. This is not the case with romantic love. I'm very cautious about expressing romantic affection. I think that, several times, my failure to express my feelings have been interpreted as the absence of attachment. I've been aware of this for some time, but I'm still trying to figure out how and when to best express it. I'm making this up as I go.

And so we come to Billy Joel's music. It might seem like what's visible at the outset is all that's in my heart, but this is far from true. There is a sanctuary in there. It is safe and strong because there are no doors or windows. I am learning to tear a hole in the wall to let people in. It hurts every time, but my deepest desire is to share this room and to have that trust reciprocated. Singing this beautiful song is simultaneously an expression of my hidden pain and of my desire to open up more fully. It is also a reminder that opening up is up to me.

But you, my friends, can help me. You can ask me tough questions. Please dig deep. You can care about my thoughts and you can share yours – even if they disagree with mine. Please be patient with me. Please don't let my silence make you leave.

Stand still

I have a confession to make, which may compromise my nerd cred. I don't particularly care for Legos and I never really have. I could cite several reasons that I never cared for them, but I'm going to focus on the one that's applicable to this article. I'm about setting and achieving goals, but Legos aren't about building according to the instructions. They're a creative exercise and that has never really appealed to me. So even as a kid, I was fairly incapable of just playing for the sake of play.

My name is Petey and I get stuff done.

In years past, the things I hoped to accomplish were simple tasks. I could think of a goal, plan to do it, and do it before losing interest. My attention span has grown a bit, but the length of time it takes to accomplish something worthwhile has grown much more.

What's more, many of the things I hope for now are at least partially out of my control. I can save up to buy a house, but I can't control when a house that I actually want to buy will be on the market. I can go on dates but my actions won't necessarily instill interest in me (although they could certainly dispel that interest). I can drive carefully but can't do much about the other drivers who don't. The list goes on and on.

Working towards goals that are outside of my control is nothing new to me; to some extent or another, the success of our endeavors always depends on circumstance. So I've contented myself with working as hard as I can to do what I can do to encourage circumstance to cooperate with me and simultaneously trusting God to provide whatever is necessary. I also choose to trust that when I don't get something I've tried to achieve that I'll be better off without it.

Usually, I can do both of these things at once. In fact, I've become dependent on my ability to work towards goals. Most of the divine intervention that I've seen as I've tried to achieve things has been subtle direction towards things I can try to get where I'm trying to go.

But I've had a very frustrating week. I was talking about it with a friend and realized that, for at least one of my goals, there may be nothing I can do at the moment. This is only a small step up from giving up, which is completely out of the question.

Please forgive me if I seem melodramatic. I'm currently trying to cope with the fact that my primary method of dealing with the world isn't effective.

Fortunately, the way ahead is clear. I just need more faith. The best summary I know is in the Doctrine and Covenants, which I accept as scripture: "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed" (D&C 123:17).

For me, the current application seems clear. I have done, for the time being, all that I can do to achieve some of my goals. In these facets of my life, it is now time for me to stand still. Standing still doesn't mean that stop trying entirely; I still need to give God every chance to bless me that I can. But it does mean that I stop beating myself up about it. And it absolutely means that I need to trust Him. In the past, trusting Him has always meant that I did what I could and believed that He would bless me. But now, I need to trust Him without some of that effort. And with that effort, I must also sacrifice the illusion of control. I have to square with the fact that it is not my efforts or abilities or determination that will provide the outcomes I seek but that, to the extent that I get what I want, it is due to His goodness.

This is going to be a big transition.

The times they are a-changin'

It's autumn in Utah. For weeks, I've been observing the colors as I've hiked, commuted, and lived. The colors are beginning to become muted and drab and will soon become wintry. The snows will come and most of the world's hue will be lost for a while.

Several of my favorite songs seem particularly appropriate for the season, so I made a few minutes to make a playlist for each of the seasons. I was surprised to find that the process of creating these playlists was a deeply introspective one. I now understand my own feelings towards the seasons better than ever before. I've included my playlists at the bottom, in case you're interested in seeing them.

When I think about life, I think of summer. I don't mean that things grow in the summer or that there's more greenery (although there is). I mean that, in my mind, summer is normal and the other seasons are the exception to the rule. Summertime is characterized by music that is upbeat and energetic. A lot of my upbeat dance music ended up in this playlist. Love stories in this playlist seem to be going well – or, at least, there are good prospects. My summer playlist is the longest of them, perhaps because I love summer so much. Or maybe it's because I love dancing.

In autumn, the world changes. Green turns to red and yellow. Heat fades. Clear skies become cloudy and it begins to rain. The music of autumn is reflective. It recognizes that not every good thing lasts. Some of the more acute breakup songs are in autumn, but so are some hopeful songs about change. There is brightness and color in the music, but the energy of summer is mostly gone.

Then the world fades into whites and browns. The sun hides and so do the people. For months, it seems as if there is no life or hope anywhere. There is nothing abrupt about winter, so it doesn't have sharp pains; instead, it has chronic ones. It is a time of longing for what was and wondering what might have been. There is hope for what might be, but it is marred by uncertainty about when or if the change will come. Although most of my dance music was in the summer playlist, there are several waltzes that found their way to my winter list.

Eventually, every winter begins to end when spring comes. The sun peeks cautiously from behind the clouds. The clouds are used to ruling the skies and fight back vehemently. Their efforts ultimately fail and, as the sun reasserts its preeminence, it brings new life to the world. Spring is a time of transition. There are somber days and setbacks, but there is always progress. Once spring begins, summer is no longer a distant, desperate hope but a certainty. The buds and leaves on every tree serve as constant reminders of what is to come. The music of spring is about new things, especially about new love and the hope that a budding love will mature into a deep, dependable one.

I'm not sure if I'm really being fair to some of the seasons. Actually, I'm more okay with winter than I ever have been before (yes, my feelings used to be stronger about it). But I tolerate winter at best. Maybe I'll be able to mature to the point that I can actually appreciate all of the seasons as they are.

Summer

• The Archies - Sugar, Sugar
• The Beatles - Golden Slumbers
• Bob Marley - Three Little Birds
• Boys Like Girls - Thunder
• Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting
• Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
• Cupid - Cupid Shuffle
• Collective Soul - Heavy
• Daniel Bedingfield - Girlfriend
• Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure
• Don Henley - The Boys Of Summer
• Duke Ellington And His Famous Orchestra - It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing) (1999 Remastered)
• Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf
• Eagles - Hotel California
• Louis Armstrong - Summertime
• Ellie Goulding - Lights
• Green Day - Oh Love
• Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry The VIII
• Herman's Hermits - Silhouettes
• Imagine Dragons - It's Time
• Iyaz - Replay (Album Version)
• Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
• Justin Bieber - Baby
• Kansas - Carry On Wayward Son
• Katrina & The Waves - Walking On Sunshine
• Kate Voegele - Only Fooling Myself
• Led Zeppelin - Fool In The Rain
• Louis Armstrong - Hello Dolly
• Loverboy - Working For The Weekend
• The Lovin' Spoonful - Summer In The City (2003 Remaster)
• Michael Jackson - Beat It
• Michael Jackson - Bad
• Miley Cyrus - Party In The U.S.A.
• Miley Cyrus - Hoedown Throwdown
• Natasha Bedingfield featuring Sean Kingston - Love Like This
• Owl City - Alligator Sky (No Rap Version)
• Owl City - Air Traffic
• Owl City - Deer In The Headlights
• Owl City - Fireflies
• Owl City - Good Time (Feat. Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen)
• OneRepublic - Stop And Stare
• Owl City - Hello Seattle
• Owl City - On The Wing
• Prince - When Doves Cry
• Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al
• Paul Simon with Los Lobos - All Around The World Or The Myth Of Fingerprints
• Phil Collins - True Colors
• Phil Collins - Dance Into The Light
• Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
• La Roux - Bulletproof
• Sam Cooke - Another Saturday Night
• Savage Garden - The Animal Song (Album Version)
• Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence
• Starship - We Built This City
• Stevie Nicks - Edge of Seventeen
• Sting - Desert Rose
• Taylor Swift - Long Live
• Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me
• U2 - Pride (In The Name Of Love)
• War - Low Rider
• Weather Report - Birdland
• Weezer - My Name Is Jonas

Autumn

• Sting - Fields Of Gold
• 3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun
• Annie Lennox - Into The West
• Collective Soul - Run
• The Dave Brubeck Quartet - Take Five
• Don McLean - American Pie
• Earth, Wind & Fire - September
• Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)
• Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
• Gladys Knight & The Pips - Midnight Train To Georgia
• Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
• Led Zeppelin - Ramble On
• Kate Voegele - Chicago
• Nelly - Just A Dream
• Oasis - Champagne Supernova
• Oasis - Wonderwall
• Timbaland/OneRepublic - Apologize
• Owl City - Meteor Shower
• Owl City - Vanilla Twilight
• Sarah McLachlan with Bryan Adams - Don't Let Go (with Bryan Adams)
• Savage Garden - Hold Me (Album Version)
• Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken
• Simon & Garfunkel - April Come She Will
• Simon & Garfunkel - Leaves That Are Green
• Stereo Fuse - Everything
• Taylor Swift - The Best Day
• Taylor Swift - White Horse
• TLC - Creep
• The Tony Rich Project - Nobody Knows
• Train - Hopeless
• The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
• The Weepies - World Spins Madly On

Winter

• The Beatles - The Fool on the Hill [from the Film "Magical Mystery Tour"]
• Billy Joel - And So It Goes
• Ella Fitzgerald - Dream A Little Dream Of Me
• Evanescence - My Immortal (Band Version)
• Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown
• Josh Groban - February Song (Album Version)
• Josh Groban - So She Dances (Album Version)
• Josh Groban - Remember When It Rained
• Kate Voegele - Kindly Unspoken
• Lighthouse Family - Ain't No Sunshine
• Lifehouse - Simon
• Owl City - January 28, 1986
• Phil Collins - One More Night
• Sarah McLachlan - Answer
• Simon & Garfunkel - Bookends Theme
• Taylor Swift - Back To December
• Sting - Shape Of My Heart
• Taylor Swift - Last Kiss
• Simon & Garfunkel - I Am a Rock

Spring

• Annie Lennox - Walking On Broken Glass
• Antonio Carlos Jobim - Garota de Ipanema
• Antonio Carlos Jobim - Samba de Uma Nota So
• Association - Windy
• Starship - Sara
• The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun
• Billy Joel - The Longest Time
• Coldplay - Paradise
• Daniel Bedingfield - Without the Girl
• Ella Fitzgerald - Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
• Ella Fitzgerald - They Can't Take That Away From Me
• Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
• Louis Armstrong - What A Wonderful World
• The Lovin' Spoonful - Do You Believe In Magic?
• Mandy Moore - Crush
• Mandy Moore - Cry
• Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis (LP Version)
• Miley Cyrus - The Climb
• Miles Davis - So What
• Norah Jones - Come Away With Me
• Owl City - Honey And The Bee
• Owl City - Hospital Flowers
• Owl City - The Real World
• Owl City - The Saltwater Room
• Paul Simon - Under African Skies
• Savage Garden - Crash And Burn (Album Version)
• Seal - Kiss From A Rose
• Seal - Love's Divine (Album Version)
• Simon & Garfunkel - Scarborough Fair/Canticle
• Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me
• Starship - Sara
• Taylor Swift - Fearless
• Taylor Swift - Today Was A Fairytale
• Train - Drops Of Jupiter
• U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

A rock feels no pain

I recently experienced a significant disappointment. It didn't come as a surprise but it wasn't really what I wanted, either. Since that experience, I've paid careful attention to my emotions and have been surprised at how gentle they've been. I feel fine. I'm not sure that I ought to feel fine, though, and I've been wondering if there's something wrong with me and my emotions.

I'm sure it will come as no surprise to my friends that I took a while to question what the ideal of emotional experience is, what my current experience with it is, what difference exists between them, and what I can do to close the gap. I had an interesting thought yesterday: what price would I pay to experience more emotion?

This question probably deserves some background. As I've discussed previously, I decided long ago that anger would not be a part of my life. Since then, I've chosen to avoid acting on feelings of anger and have learned to process those feelings. I've learned to give others the benefit of the doubt and to be patient. Years later, I sometimes experience frustration and occasionally indignation but anger really isn't a part of my life. When I do experience a feeling like anger, I'm able to arrest its development, remove myself from the situation, and deal with it on my own without expressing it at anyone else. I've cultivated this control carefully over the years. I've considered it to be a part of the ideal that I call emotional maturity for some time. My conception of this ideal, in summary, has been that a person ought to use reason and emotion together to make decisions without allowing either one to dominate the other. Anger should be avoided because it's specifically condemned in the Sermon on the Mount and because it is so strong that it overrides reason.

Yesterday, I questioned that ideal. Specifically, I asked myself if I would be willing to sacrifice the control I've cultivated for more than half of my life if it meant deeper emotional experience.

I thought about it and discussed it with some close, trusted friends. I concluded two things: if there were something wrong with me emotionally because I've been controlling myself too tightly and if it were possible to remedy the situation by letting go, I ought to do so. My experience has been that when I've gravitated to one extreme, I have to release the fear of the other extreme in order to progress towards a proper balance between them. I also decided that I don't think there's anything wrong with my emotional state. I'm not hiding from my emotions and I'm not suppressing them; I just don't happen to have a strong emotional response to some things and that has surprised me but simply is the way it is.

This morning, I was flipping through Preach My Gospel as part of my daily scriptural study. I came across the section about hope in chapter 6. As I read, a strong feeling of peace came over me. I realized that I have learned hope. I live it. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that, no matter what happens, my life can be happy – and that other lives can be happy, too. I realized that when, as the saying goes, the Lord shuts a door, I don't stand there and look at it as darkness closes around me; I simply locate the best open door I can find and move towards it. I was grateful to be reminded that I can, in fact, feel emotion and more grateful for the divine approbation that this communication implied.

Now, dear readers, please excuse me. I have worlds to conquer.

Sometimes I dance and philosophize at the same time

I hope this post won't offend any real philosophers out there. I just think about things. A lot. And I try to get to root causes.

I went dancing tonight. I knew it was a swing club. I wasn't sure what exactly to expect, as there are a lot of variants of swing. It turns out that it was a lindy hop club.

For those unfamiliar with dance and with my background, I've danced lots of different styles. I'm not bad at standard ballroom (waltz and foxtrot, for example) and I'm good at Latin (samba, cha cha, etc.) – I'm no pro, but I definitely get by. I'm mediocre at swing. Within swing, there are many variants. West coast swing is easily the one I'm best at. Lindy hop is easily the one I'm worst at (of the ones I've tried, which are several). West coast and lindy are similar rhythmically but their styles are worlds apart; west coast swing is smooth and lindy hop is grounded. So when I try to dance lindy hop, my west coast swing kicks in and I do it wrong – very wrong.

Not having gone dancing anywhere west of Salt Lake City – ever – I took a minute to observe what was going on around me. It was easy to see that there were lots of novices who still struggled with things like rhythm and leading. There were several people way more advanced than I. They dance the way some people play soccer or paint: they made something beautiful with the skill they've developed.

I went back and forth between observing from the edges (hoping to learn) and dancing. Everyone I danced with was nice, but some of them were clearly underwhelmed. As they always do when I'm faced with my own incompetence, the gears in my head started turning. Turning isn't the right word – fast enough; these gears were threatening to melt.

I realized that I'd never really gotten into self-expression through dance. After all, I use my words for self-expression. I like words because they can be used precisely. Dance, as is the case with many art forms, can express very effectively from the perspective of the expresser, but it is often ineffective at clearly communicating to observers. There is, of course, nothing wrong with this sort of expression; it's just that I feel no need for it.

Another reason people love swing is its low barrier of entry: relative to other dances, it's easy to show up and learn and have fun without much practice. I've often been frustrated with people who dance swing because they often don't learn the other styles that I love so much. I don't begrudge them swing, but it irks me to see that they are talented but that they don't use that talent for other dances. I feel like they're missing out and I feel like I'm missing out on the chance to dance with them – to really dance with them.

Another factor is that swing's culture is generally one of showing up and learning by experimentation and observation. I've found that I learn better when I'm being instructed precisely. I'd like very much to know where each toe is supposed to point and I learn it better when people just tell me. Such exacting technique certainly exists within the swing world, but many casual swing dancers love swing because they can get away without it.

Tonight, I realized that I enjoy dancing because the way I move is different. Waltz is smooth but surprisingly athletic and the spinning is fun. West coast swing requires control and finesse with some flair. Samba looks like it's all over the place but also requires precise control in every part of the body. I have fun when I dance them because of the challenge of being technically precise and because of the beautiful and distinct feeling that each one affords. I'm sure that the other variants of swing have their own feel – I know that lindy does – but I've never done enough of them or been interested enough in them to experience them in that way. And I don't know if I can really get into swing if I don't find a way to express myself as freely as swing dancers do. It's like I get to a dance hall and I don't know what to say.

Because I approach dance from such a different perspective, it's no small wonder that swing does little for me and that my own favorite dances aren't as widely known as I'd like. It's simply the end result of different motives.

You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I'll start a summer internship in a month and a half across the country from where I live. Since it will take me so far away from the people I love, I've been thinking a lot about friendship in general and my friends in particular. I've been thinking about the times that I have entered a new setting (by moving or starting a new job, for example) and about the joys and sorrows this has brought to me. In this post, I'll endeavor to describe what friendship means to me. I hope that my friends who read this will have a deeper understanding of their significance in my life – something I try to communicate daily but something that I fear is not generally understood.

Read the whole story...

When I grow up

I started writing a blog post about different fields of study and jobs that I've tried or thought about and how none of them has worked out. I realized that much of my introductory material is essentially the same as this post, which I wrote 16 months ago. There are, of course, some differences in what I would emphasize or how I'd phrase things, but it's mostly the same.

The bottom line is that I'm still not really into my research. I suppose it might be a little different if I were in another job. If I were on an assembly line, I could do good work even though I didn't think much of it. But as a researcher, I can't do high-quality work without being fully invested in it. So far, I haven't been fully invested and it's crippled my ability to perform.

Read the whole story...

The attention span I never had

I was bored a lot as a kid. And I do mean a lot. It seemed like adults always just wanted me to be quiet and not bother them. It chafed, but I wasn't in much of a position to argue. As the fictional Valentine put it in Ender's Game, "They have a word for people our age. They call us children and they treat us like mice" (p. 127).

My mind works really fast. It always has. I'm sure this contributed to the interminable nature of each car ride, church meeting, class, or social gathering. I'm reminded of something Data tells Captain Picard: "0.68 seconds sir. For an android, that is nearly an eternity." (Star Trek: First Contact -  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117731/quotes#qt0455868). Maybe all the other kids were just as bored as I was. I'm not sure. But having a quick mind definitely didn't help.

It may be surprising to some of my readers that school bored me. Read the whole story...

The forest for the trees

I’ve lived in Utah for several years now and I don’t know how many times I’ve heard about Logan Canyon in the fall, but I hadn’t seen Logan Canyon in the fall since I was young – probably about 12. And my brother lives in Logan, which means that I really had no excuse to miss out. Since I’m on fall break, I drove up to Logan and my brother and I drove up the canyon. We went for a little hike and drove around and talked.
I was surprised by the colors; they weren’t as vibrant as I remembered. I also was surprised by how sparse the coloring was; every brightly colored tree had a bunch of dying autumn grass around it. At first, I was a little disappointed – and then I had a thought: all of the colors together look like autumn. Subdued browns are as much a part of autumn as the brilliant reds, yellows, and oranges. They may not be as exciting or as aesthetically pleasing, but they are part of autumn – and there is beauty in that alone. I’m beginning to see what my roommate Jason has been so excited about since the air started getting brisk.
It’s hardly as if I don’t enjoy the beauty of autumn. And it’s hardly as if I don’t enjoy the cool, clean feeling of autumn’s morning air. But I know that these things precede the long, cold, dark winter, so the change in the weather has filled me with dread instead of with wonder. Now that I’ve seen autumn’s beauty more clearly, I wonder how much I’ve been missing.
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Why I call myself Petey

My family doesn't really do nicknames. I think that it comes from my family's very proper culture (especially by Californian standards) and from my parents' desire to remind us of our Biblical namesakes. I'd been called Pedro occasionally as I grew up, but it never really stuck. "Stevie Wonders" didn't long outlast my brief moment of 4^th-grade recess football glory. Everyone I knew called me Peter for my entire childhood.


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I’m an old man: What I learned from Taylor Swift

I own copies of two Taylor Swift albums and a single. This is about as much as I own by any artist, excepting the Beatles. I'm pretty sure my liking for her music flies in the face of the stereotypes that are typically applied to me: most computer geeks don't (openly) listen to her, and I'm not sure that most men my age do, either. Despite the seeming incongruity, I love what she has done. She has a gift for melody and another for words. More importantly, her songs about love are usually about love and not lust - a sadly rare distinction but one that is very important to me.

As with the work of any artist, some of Taylor's works speak to me less than others. For example, I like that Mean fights back against abuse but think that the vengeful attitude it portrays won't solve the problem. I have a problem with The Way I Loved You because I've felt like the nice guy who finished last too many times. I don't really get the whole kissing in the rain thing (Taylor: feel free to contact me if you'd like to educate me). And some of her songs have rubbed me wrong because they are so wholly about emotion - and because they sometimes depict an unrealistic idea of emotional satisfaction. Being as left-brained as I am, this is fairly natural. But, at least in this last regard, I'm beginning to experience a change of heart.

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Behind blue eyes

Introduction

People look at me quizzically when I tell them that I had a nasty temper as a kid; if they've met me since junior high, they usually have a hard time imagining me being angry. The truth of the matter is that I did have a nasty temper when I was young and that I've changed dramatically in more recent years.

This post is very personal - I don't often talk about these things. But a conversation I had recently convinced me that my experiences might be beneficial to others. I hope that by writing this, I'll enable readers to help themselves or people they know to eradicate anger from their lives.

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The neighbors’ grass

People are frequently surprised when they meet me at how open I am. I’ll share thoughts and feelings after knowing someone for only a few minutes. I don’t mind if people disagree with me; on the contrary, it can lead to interesting discussions and important learning. I try to encourage sincere communication. This is probably a major factor in the frankness I receive from other people.

But there are things that I don’t talk about much, especially in groups and especially with people I don’t know well. It’s not that I’m opposed to openness. I actually think that openness is a high ideal in communication. But there have been several occasions when I’ve tried to open up and been rebuffed. I remember multiple occasions when I’ve been told things like, “Petey, I just don’t believe that your problems can be as big as mine,” or, “But things always just work out in your life.”

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I sense much fear in you

While at my social dance group last night, I stopped to talk with a friend. In essence, she mentioned my lack of fear. To make her point, she observed that I am capable of performing an interpretive dance in front of my peers. She said so because she's seen it happen. I offered to talk to the DJ to give her the chance to do the same. Wide-eyed, she declined. I suppose that my exploits make me look fearless; after all, dancing strangely in front of one's peers can have unfortunate social consequences.
I think that I appear fearless because I'm willing to take uncommon risks: performing in front of people, stepping up in group situations, taking a long shot on asking someone out, and so on. But the more I think about my behavior and motives, the more I see fear lurking inside.
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Sweeter than Fiction

I read the entire Percy Jackson series from cover to cover in eleven days. The fantastic nature of the stories was a captivating escape: for a few minutes at a time, I fight the minotaur or meet Artemis instead of writing something boring for homework. Even more interesting than the richly colorful world of Percy Jackson were his abilities; being Poseidon’s son, Percy can breathe underwater, sail inhumanly well, create seawater out of nowhere, control the water around him, and gets strength, health, and stamina simply by being in contact with water. One of Athena’s daughters takes an interest in him for some reason and he duplicates a lot of Heracles’s feats – and even does some of them better than Heracles did. I’m sure it won’t surprise anyone acquainted with my proclivity for delusional daydreams that I adored the vicarious experience.

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The limitations of superpowers

I watched Megamind last night with my friends. One of the characters is a “superhero” called Titan, who ends up being less of a hero than the city was hoping for. The entire movie asks viewers what they would do with superpowers. Really, it asks viewers what a villain is, what a hero is, and which one each of us is.

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Optimizing away efficiency

I’ve been changing lots of things in my life and I’ve been considering several other changes. I’m in the process of changing banks, I’ve been thinking about moving in with some friends, the way I go about dating is constantly changing as I learn, and I’ve been organizing some of my congregation’s efforts to reach out. My schoolwork hasn’t lessened and I’m trying to have a social life (which includes, but is not limited to, dating).

As I wondered about these changes and the time they’ve required, I began to see a pattern. It’s not that they’re all necessary; it’s another form of perfectionism. I’m always looking for ways to improve things.

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Stepping off my soapbox

I wrote an article about communication a little while ago. I have strong feelings about communication because it is crucial to the success of relationships and relationships are what life is all about.

To be perfectly fair, my temperament puts me on one extreme of the spectrum of communication styles: I’m direct. This, I’m sure, will not surprise anyone who knows me. It’s not that I can’t pick up on unspoken messages or read between the lines; it’s that I’m always uncertain if I’m interpreting things correctly (that is, in a way that harmonizes with reality). My inability to discern the meaning behind veiled communications has caused me no end of trouble and I’ve chosen to rebel against the system.

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Walls within walls

I returned home in 2006 after living in Brazil for two years. I reveled in being able to shower without needing sandals, in the foods I missed, and in being around my family. But there were things I missed about Brazil. Perhaps most unsettling to me was how rude Americans are.

It’s not as if everyone got in my business or said nasty things to me. On the contrary, everyone was kind and left well enough alone, which was precisely the problem. There was far too much personal space. I’d felt lonely for two years because no one called me by my first name: everyone called me by the title Elder because I was a missionary. By the time I was heading home, I missed my first name and the familiarity that goes with it more than flirting, dancing, or ranch dressing. But when I got home, I was an island.

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