"So, when are you getting married?"

People frequently ask me when I'll marry. They give me advice on how to become married. It's the same with basically everyone who's single, especially those of us in Mormon culture.

In most minutes and on most days, I'm at peace with the fact that I'm single. I'd rather be happily married but my life is good. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me when people bring up the fact that I'm single. There's no need for a taboo on singlehood.

But there are hard days. Even though most of the time, people mean to encourage – or, a least, they don't mean to offend – the things that people say can serve to make those hard days even harder.

One reason it's hard for me to hear some things is that my training in logic has taught me to see implications. In my more cynical moods, my mind leaps to more cynical implications. I think that in most cases, people aren't fully aware of what they imply. My goal here is to bring to light some of these assumptions (I certainly don't claim to have treated this exhaustively) and the thinking that underlies them.

You control when you find and marry someone

"So, when are you getting married?"

"It's your turn next!"

I know most of you mean well, but marriage involves two people and divine intervention. I can control only myself. Siblings don't always marry in order. In fact, I challenge you to name a single happily married couple that didn't experience significant serendipity to get together.

You're doing something wrong

"Why aren't you married yet?"

It's very possible that some failure of mine is the cause of my singlehood. I'd love to find something I can do differently that would lead me to marriage. I will listen to your thoughts on the subject. I recognize and value the impartiality of people who aren't me in this matter. I'd suggest, however, that you try to know me well enough to know whether or not I've already done what you suggest – and whether or not I've been doing it for the past several years. And please don't be offended if I decide that your advice doesn't fit me.

Do what I did

"You just need to ..."

This is basically the same as the last assumption, but more specific.

Finding a mate is like finding anything else; we stop looking when we've succeeded. It amuses me how frequently people tell me to try what "worked for them." By that, they mean the last change they remember making before their marriage worked out. Typically, this ignores all other changes they made, all decisions made by other people, and all circumstances surrounding their dating and marriage. And a sample size of one is hardly compelling. I mean, no one tells me to look under my bedside table for my keys as if it's profound wisdom.

Do what I didn't

"Attraction doesn't matter much. You just need to be good friends."

Advice about what one would have done at a previous age tends to come in one of two flavors. One of the flavors is the wisdom of years. I value this sort of wisdom. The other flavor is the faux wisdom of forgetting what youth is like. Advice that is at odds with past behavior often sounds more like the second than the first.

A twenty-something man and a sixty-something man are going to value different things. As I want my marriage to be happy and to last into the eternities, I'm looking for someone whom I can love unreservedly in all stages of my life. That is, some degree of physical attraction should exist because that's important to young men (and, of course, to young women). And we must have the sort of friendship that can mature into a relationship that an old man (and an old woman) can appreciate.

Am I being too picky? Maybe. I'm certainly not discounting the possibility. I ask myself that question quite frequently.

There's something wrong with you

"You're so ...! I can't believe you're not married yet."

Of course I appreciate the compliment, especially since my deepest insecurities are that I'll fail in any number of ways to be an adequate husband or father.

If I'm so kind or talented or whatever that you're astounded at my singlehood, where's the hangup? What failure or fault do the girls I date see in me that you have failed to see? Because I've been turned down for enough second dates that sometimes I wonder.

I've thought about this one a lot because so many people try to say things like this when they're validating others. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Honestly, the best thing that any one has ever done in one of those down days was to give me a hug. She listened well and tried to say things that helped, but a little tender physical contact made much more difference.

You're not married, so you must not really want it

"When you really decide you want to get married, ..."

Really? When I really decide I want to get married?

I don't think I've ever called anyone out on this. I'm going to set the record straight.

I had an epiphany once. It happened at an age when my guy friends were definitely into girls, but when their interest seemed focused either on kissing (or the host of related motivations) or on troglodytic notions of conquest. I remember that I was walking through a hallway in my church. I think I was by myself. And it struck me that my interest was in a stable, long-term relationship. I wanted to be married.

This epiphany took place half of my life ago. Never since then has that desire been forgotten. Every major decision I've made has been designed to make me a better family man. Even during my full-time missionary service, when dating was prohibited, I was conscious of the ways in which that service would help me become a better man. The foremost question I have about every potential career is how it will affect my family life. I could go on.

I don't know all of the causes of my prolonged singlehood, but I know it isn't lack of desire – or effort. Just don't go there.

It isn't just the singles

In the same way that there needn't be a taboo about singlehood, we needn't refrain from talking about other aspects of people's lives. But we should be very cautious before talking with people about when they will have children, when they'll serve missions, and so on. As says a favorite hymn, "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."

My game plan

I know that marriage won't come easily. I know that I'll have to change to get there.

I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep asking hard questions and I'm going to keep improving myself. I'm going to keep on discarding ideas and assumptions that I find to be incorrect and I'm going to keep on doing my best to apply what I learn. And I'm going to keep on trusting that one day, I'll find someone I want to marry who wants to marry me.

Following a choir director (or how not to date)

I've been practicing with a choir for a few weeks in preparation for a big performance. The choir has a different director for each of the three songs we've been practicing and each of them has a unique style of directing. As is to be expected when styles differ, there are things that I like and that I don't like about their different conducting styles.

Since conducting music is essentially communicating, I realized that the things that I don't like about their styles typify some common problems in interpersonal communication. So I'll describe what I dislike about each one's style and why and then relate it to interpersonal communication, especially in dating.

I'd add again that I like these men. I appreciate what they've taught me and hope they won't take offense at this, particularly in light of the fact that each of them is a more qualified conductor than I.

Read the whole story...

Of all the gin joints in all the world

A few years ago (almost to the day), I was taking a social dance class. We were preparing to perform a mambo for a university function and so we had dance partners assigned, as opposed to our usual pattern of rotating every few minutes. My partner (her name is Michelle) was fun to dance with and talk with. She also happened to be gorgeous - and she seemed interested.

But social dance classes make asking out a little difficult. As a rule, I don't ask girls out in front of other people. It has less to do with the fact that I might get shut down in front of others and more to do with the fact that she's likely to be uncomfortable with it (yes, I plan to propose in private). Since everyone leaves class at the same time, it can be a little difficult to catch someone and ask her out - especially if you go in different directions.

Read the whole story...

Flirting today

Flirting is hard these days. It's not that there aren't good people to meet. It's not just that flirting has always been hard. There are societal effects in place today that add difficulty that, to my knowledge, has never existed before. Please forgive me as I indulge in stereotypes – and don’t wear the shoe if it doesn’t fit.

Men have to deal with the possibility of being branded as "creepy." A man becomes creepy when he violates social protocol, as it is perceived by others. This is frequently unfair to the men in question: as much as we’d like to think that there are universal standards, or even societal standards, everyone is a little different and has different rules. We all communicate differently (in fact, I have an entire blog post about it), so a woman may reject a man in a way that is both clear and gentle to her, but that doesn’t communicate rejection to him at all. The fault here belongs to both parties, but calling him a "creeper" places all the blame on him. To further complicate matters, men are encouraged to break social protocol for the women they love – as long as he doesn’t go too far, a man can express sincerity by going beyond social norms. But it only works when she’s interested; if not, going beyond is unquestionably creepy.

Some women experience something remarkably similar;

Read the whole story...

Sweeter than Fiction

I read the entire Percy Jackson series from cover to cover in eleven days. The fantastic nature of the stories was a captivating escape: for a few minutes at a time, I fight the minotaur or meet Artemis instead of writing something boring for homework. Even more interesting than the richly colorful world of Percy Jackson were his abilities; being Poseidon’s son, Percy can breathe underwater, sail inhumanly well, create seawater out of nowhere, control the water around him, and gets strength, health, and stamina simply by being in contact with water. One of Athena’s daughters takes an interest in him for some reason and he duplicates a lot of Heracles’s feats – and even does some of them better than Heracles did. I’m sure it won’t surprise anyone acquainted with my proclivity for delusional daydreams that I adored the vicarious experience.

Read the whole story...

Green Eyes

During my first year in college, I was asked to teach a Sunday School class to my peers. I was apprehensive at first, having taught few times and having never formally taught anyone my own age. I was also disappointed to not have the assignment that I thought would be the most fun.

After one week, my apprehensions were gone. I loved it. Every week, I would study with my partner and we would split the lesson and the time in two. She was a good teacher and fun to study with. We settled into a great rhythm and so did the class: people sat in basically the same seats every week – all but the front two rows. To be honest, I remember very little of it because it was so long ago and because it was so routine.

Read the whole story...

Walls within walls

I returned home in 2006 after living in Brazil for two years. I reveled in being able to shower without needing sandals, in the foods I missed, and in being around my family. But there were things I missed about Brazil. Perhaps most unsettling to me was how rude Americans are.

It’s not as if everyone got in my business or said nasty things to me. On the contrary, everyone was kind and left well enough alone, which was precisely the problem. There was far too much personal space. I’d felt lonely for two years because no one called me by my first name: everyone called me by the title Elder because I was a missionary. By the time I was heading home, I missed my first name and the familiarity that goes with it more than flirting, dancing, or ranch dressing. But when I got home, I was an island.

Read the whole story...

Filling in the gaps with feeling

I’m uncomfortable with uncertainty. Actually, I’m absolutely terrified of it. In a sense, I spend every minute of every day trying to eradicate the specter of uncertainty – and to ensure that the certainty is what’s desired. For example, I am virtually incapable of relaxing about a class’s coursework until it is mathematically impossible for me to receive a grade lower than what I’d like. I consider things carefully and reason thoroughly. It’s no wonder, then, that I’ve been told that I can seem cold or heartless or that I’ve had frustrated friends tell me that logic isn’t everything. Of course, I had as much trouble appreciating their point of view as they seem to have with mine.

Read the whole story...

People keep saying I'm a flirt...

It seems like everyone I meet thinks I’m a huge flirt. I used to be a huge flirt, but I’ve toned it down since I was a freshman. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand it. I do talk with people a lot, but the fact that I’m talking with a girl doesn’t mean I’m trying to ingratiate myself with her. Whatever the reason, my reputation as a flirt has persisted for many years, even among different groups of friends and in different cities that I’ve lived.

Read the whole story...

Why I no longer fear rejection

When I got home from my mission, I was so absorbed in just living a non-mission life, finding a job, and then working at a job, that it hardly occurred to me that I might go on a date for a while. I'd been home for about four months when I decided that I needed to make some time for dating and asked someone out.

Since it had been about two and a half years since my last date (maybe more), I was very out of practice. To say that it was awkward would be a gross understatement. I tried to be proper and polite and ended up being so formal that our conversation was almost nonexistent. I don't remember who won the game of bowling, but I do remember that some girl in the next lane kept bowling in our lane.

The next day, my date went on a date with a guy in our ward. They began dating shortly thereafter.

Read the whole story...

Hints are bunk

For those who aren't familiar with hints, they are hopeful but ineffective communication. They are typically used when one person is obliged to say or do something, but doesn't want to say or do anything offensive to anyone else. If there weren't advantages to this form of communication, no one would bother using it. But their detrimental effects far outstrip their benefits. It's time for our communication to mature into clarity and honesty.

As a single man in a culture (that of Utah) that aggressively pursues the abandonment of singlehood, the examples that readily come to mind center on dating. Please apply the principles here to other aspects of life as appropriate.

The most important reason that hints are a negative is that they're so frequently dishonest. Read the whole story...

Nate vs Petey

Once upon a time, a young man named Petey was working as an EFY counselor for the first time. Being an astute young man, Petey couldn’t help but notice that the lady counselors were beautiful, accomplished, and fun. He particularly noticed a lady counselor by the name of Nora (no, her real name is not Nora), who stood out to Petey as particularly beautiful and fun.

Petey made a point of paying some attention to Nora and was richly rewarded in kind; once, when he surprised her, she called him Sweetie Petey. Petey didn’t mind the attention one bit.

Read the whole story...