Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts

Friday, June 14, 2013

Petey's dating manual: Tell it like it is

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

My last post was about asking direct questions for the sake of clear communication. Direct questions aren't much use unless the answers to them are given honestly and openly. The reasoning for honesty and openness is largely the same as the reasoning for direct questions – and the reasons we shy away from honesty and openness are also mostly the same.

There are many reasons to be honest (and, as I discussed in this post, honesty includes openness). In fact, there are many reasons for honesty that are independently sufficient to make it a moral imperative for all of us. In this post, I will discuss only one of them: honesty respects the autonomy of other people.

Although our lives interconnect, every person makes decisions independently of all other people; in other words, my decisions are my own just as your decisions are your own. But my decisions and yours cannot be wiser than the information we have to guide them. When we give people incomplete, insufficient, or inaccurate information, we do so in an attempt to influence their actions. Moral obligations aside, any relationship that relies on such manipulation is inherently flimsy. The truth always comes out eventually and our lies (or our omissions) have a strong tendency to make things worse than they would have been had we been honest.

So show your confidence in and respect for others. Be honest. Be clear. Be tactful. Trust people to respond maturely when you tell them the truth.

I've written about related topics before. For another discussion on clarity, see this post. For a discussion of communication generally, see this post.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Petey's dating manual: If you want to know, ask

"Do you like me? Check yes or no"

Have you ever thought to yourself as you watched a movie that it would be really boring if the characters communicated well? The plot twists and challenges that make a movie interesting usually come from the fact that they don't listen to each other.

Despite the fact that we recognize the problems in these relationships, we emulate them in our own lives. We guard our feelings and rarely say the things we actually think or feel. We wait for others to act, especially when action means vulnerability. And we assume based on insufficient data instead of asking clear questions.

To make things worse, our mass media tell us that it's more romantic if we don't talk about things. When the right moment comes along, we'll both just know. In my experience, waiting for the fireworks to go off on their own is a good way to ensure that nothing ever happens.

It's understandable that we resist direct communication; it can startle people – and startling someone in an arena such as love, where emotion is such a powerful force, is extremely risky. But you can't play it safe in love and have any hope of success.

We ought to be more concerned with what is true than we are with anything else – including what is comfortable. Even if the truth is unpleasant, it'll come out eventually – and uncertainty is almost as painful as (and hurts much longer than) unpleasant certainty.

We should recognize what we do and don't know to avoid unwarranted conclusions. Allow me to list a few common assumptions that are sometimes, but not always, right. These aren't terribly gender-specific, so feel free to adapt as you see fit.

  • It's been 24 hours since I left a message and she hasn't called back. She must be avoiding me.
  • It's been 24 hours since I left a message and she hasn't called back. This is inexcusably rude.
  • He didn't hold my hand. He must not be interested.
  • He didn't open my door. He must not be considerate.
  • She seems withdrawn tonight. I bet she's changed her mind.
  • He did this thing that I really don't like. He must have a serious character deficiency.

Instead of assuming or speculating, ask a question. I think all of the following questions are fair game, as are the responses.

  • We've been on a few dates, but you're physically distant. Where do you see this going?
    • I don't know but I know I want to keep going on dates to find out.
    • To be honest, I don't actually see this going anywhere.
    • Really? I just didn't want to rush you.
  • What do you mean to communicate by holding hands? Kissing?
  • Are you saying no because you're busy or because you don't want to go out?
    • I want to go on dates but I'm really busy. How about we talk in a few weeks?
    • I have something going on with someone else but I'm otherwise interested. May I call when I figure things out?
    • Honestly, I don't want to go on any more dates. I was just trying to be gentle.
  • What can I do to improve?
  • You said these words. What I understood was this, but that doesn't seem right. What did you mean?
  • You seem distant/distracted/peeved today. Are you okay? Did I do something?
    • I'm just tired (not feeling well) today. It's not you and I'll be fine tomorrow.
    • I do have something on my mind. It doesn't have to do with you but I would love to talk about it.
    • Actually, there is something.

It is crucial to phrase questions well. Identify what you actually want to know and ask that. To stick to the facts and not your interpretation when describing another person's behavior. Ask questions that show both your interest in the truth and your interest in the other person. Make sure there's room for the other person to be genuine. In short, love first, understand next, and act last.

I'm frequently surprised by how natural the conversations are that start with these questions. In many cases, both of us want to talk about the topic in question but have been dancing around it for some time. It's not only natural; it's a relief to finally get it out in the open.

The idea of asking difficult questions is uncomfortable for many people and can be especially uncomfortable for those who feel that their gender role makes it unnatural to do so. But I cannot overstate the importance of each person asking hard questions: the fact that something confuses one party often comes as a surprise to the other and few people bring things up when they think they've already been clear. If you wait for the other person to bring something up, you could be waiting a really long time.

So if you want to know, ask.

Monday, September 10, 2012

All is not as it seems

Philip Guo recently published a memoir of his experience as a PhD student in computer science. His is a story of self-discovery and triumph. Getting a PhD is hard, especially for someone who hasn't already discovered a burning passion for a subfield, which Guo had not done when he started his PhD.

Having completed two years of PhD school in computer science myself and not having identified a subfield for which I have a consuming passion, I strongly sympathized with Guo as I read his memoir. Accordingly, I read closely and imagined myself in his situation. I came away hopeful that my experience would be similarly serendipitous. I also came away more acutely aware of the problems with the academic peer review system. Of particular note is the fact that Guo submitted papers that were rejected because his writing didn't meet the arbitrary expectations of current experts in the field, not because his research was unoriginal or uninformative. I believe in good writing and recognize that good writing necessarily reflects familiarity with an audience. I'm not taking issue with the need for good writing, but I believe that some of the requirements for publication are detrimental to the academic community as a whole.

Allow me to explain.

Early in his graduate career, Guo submitted a paper to a conference and was rejected. His research was, as the memoir tells, of a similar caliber to other research that was published. Guo's failure was in convincing the entrenched researchers in that community that his work was original and useful. That is, it wasn't the quality of work that mattered for publication. What mattered was the apparent quality of his work. Guo's paper went unpublished because the system evaluates whether or not research seems to be good, not whether or not the research is good.

To be fair, this is a scientific community and it strives to be objective. There isn't a way to determine if research is good objectively, so the community makes do with the best solution that it has found to date.

The problem with peer review is compounded by the fact that the quality of a scientist is estimated by his or her publication record (see, for example, h-index). This leads to problems such as this, where a scientist manages to falsify peer review in order to seem like an effective scientist.

Unfortunately, problems of this kind are found everywhere. We get a job not by being the best candidate for a job but by seeming to be the best candidate. Dating works along the same lines. Sports revolve around what the officials perceive, so they have precisely the same issue. Political discourse clearly emphasizes seeming over being.

Being something allows us to act. Other people's behavior towards us, however, depends on what we seem to be. It isn't possible (or desirable) to avoid seeming to be something. Instead, we should all try to seem to be what we are and to avoid seeming to be what we are not. If you find yourself trying to seem in a certain way, check to make sure that it's actually true. Are you really confident or do you seem that way? Are you actually good at what you do or do you just have a killer resume? Keep in mind that self-deception is not just possible but commonplace.

This is not to say that we should not aspire for greatness beyond what we have yet attained. And reaching for greatness requires emulation. We should try to improve by emulating the best that we see in other people. The purpose of this emulation must be for us to acquire positive characteristics, not to seem better than we are. And when others try to improve, we should encourage them instead of calling them hypocrites.

Since we interact with others, the question of our own characteristics is insufficient; we must also question our perceptions of others. Do you and I assume that the things we perceive are reality? When someone seems to be self-absorbed or quiet or happy, do we assume that this is generally the case? Do we disregard others' ideas when they aren't presented as we are used to hearing ideas or when they come from unusual or unproven sources? Do we assume that people remain the same or do we believe that people can change for the better?

The most important thing that we can do is personal: each of us can work at becoming better. We can concern ourselves less with how we seem and more with how we are. And we can give others the benefit of the doubt. We must also encourage societal change to value actuality over mere appearance. We must consciously choose to value genuineness over the appearance of virtues. We can expect people to be good but not extraordinary, freeing them from the pressure to seem to be good enough for our unrealistic expectations. Relatedly, we must put less pressure on people to be something that they are not; introverts and extroverts and everyone in between are good people. The same goes for scientists and liberal arts majors. In other words, we should encourage people to grow but not to be untrue to themselves. We also need to encourage virtues, such as honesty, industry, and kindness – but never assume that we see them clearly in others. Hardest of all, we must strive as a society and especially as individuals to acquire these virtues.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Following a choir director (or how not to date)

I've been practicing with a choir for a few weeks in preparation for a big performance. The choir has a different director for each of the three songs we've been practicing and each of them has a unique style of directing. As is to be expected when styles differ, there are things that I like and that I don't like about their different conducting styles.

Since conducting music is essentially communicating, I realized that the things that I don't like about their styles typify some common problems in interpersonal communication. So I'll describe what I dislike about each one's style and why and then relate it to interpersonal communication, especially in dating.

I'd add again that I like these men. I appreciate what they've taught me and hope they won't take offense at this, particularly in light of the fact that each of them is a more qualified conductor than I.

Read the whole story...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Flirting today

Flirting is hard these days. It's not that there aren't good people to meet. It's not just that flirting has always been hard. There are societal effects in place today that add difficulty that, to my knowledge, has never existed before. Please forgive me as I indulge in stereotypes – and don’t wear the shoe if it doesn’t fit.

Men have to deal with the possibility of being branded as "creepy." A man becomes creepy when he violates social protocol, as it is perceived by others. This is frequently unfair to the men in question: as much as we’d like to think that there are universal standards, or even societal standards, everyone is a little different and has different rules. We all communicate differently (in fact, I have an entire blog post about it), so a woman may reject a man in a way that is both clear and gentle to her, but that doesn’t communicate rejection to him at all. The fault here belongs to both parties, but calling him a "creeper" places all the blame on him. To further complicate matters, men are encouraged to break social protocol for the women they love – as long as he doesn’t go too far, a man can express sincerity by going beyond social norms. But it only works when she’s interested; if not, going beyond is unquestionably creepy.

Some women experience something remarkably similar;

Read the whole story...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Gently destroying walls

I spend a lot of my time visiting people. Sometimes I talk; sometimes I listen. As I'm unabashed about sharing my opinions and feelings, I think some people will be surprised to know that I enjoy listening. Of course, there are things that don't interest me: mindless chatter, pleasantries (especially in large amounts), and so on. But if you want to talk about something significant, you'll usually find that I'm a captive audience.

As I've realized how much I like to listen to people, I've learned to change my behavior in ways that encourage people to talk about the things that matter to them - and because those things matter to them, they matter to me. I've noticed that many people genuinely care about others but have trouble being satisfied with their conversations. I hope that my experiences will be useful to them. I also hope that my friends, especially those whose temperaments differ from my own, will add their thoughts in comments.

Read the whole story...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Speaking positively

The other day, I was looking at soup cans in a grocery store. I noticed that a few of them had a little logo on them that said something about being heart-healthy. Upon a closer look, I discovered that “heart-healthy” meant that it was low in saturated fats. The label did not advertise the fact that the soup was loaded with sodium. Saturated fats in large quantities are detrimental to the heart, but so is sodium. This fairly unimportant example of misleading advertisement demonstrates two ways in which members of our society systematically deceive and delude themselves with the misuse of language.

Read the whole story...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Stepping off my soapbox

I wrote an article about communication a little while ago. I have strong feelings about communication because it is crucial to the success of relationships and relationships are what life is all about.

To be perfectly fair, my temperament puts me on one extreme of the spectrum of communication styles: I’m direct. This, I’m sure, will not surprise anyone who knows me. It’s not that I can’t pick up on unspoken messages or read between the lines; it’s that I’m always uncertain if I’m interpreting things correctly (that is, in a way that harmonizes with reality). My inability to discern the meaning behind veiled communications has caused me no end of trouble and I’ve chosen to rebel against the system.

Read the whole story...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How to spot errors in political (and other) arguments

Introduction

There are several logical fallacies (or errors) that are lamentably common in political discourse (and normal conversation) today. What's worse, people - even educated people - seem to be persuaded by these fallacious (that is, flawed) arguments. This post will point out a few common ones and will conclude with an assignment designed to challenge the reader to apply his/her new knowledge.

Before diving into the details, I should explain the structure of a logical argument. First, the speaker (for simplicity, I'll assume that the speaker is female) explains premises, or the facts and ideas that are the basis of her argument. She then applies reason - formally, argument forms - to reach some conclusion. The use of valid argument forms and true premises guarantees that the conclusion reached is true. It is possible to disagree with an argument on the basis of a premise or on the basis of an error in reasoning.

It is also important to note that most debates actually center around things that aren't rigorously provable. For example, many political arguments cite statistics that may or may not consider all of the possible causes and outcomes. The studies provide evidence but do not provide proof. In many cases, the arguments can't be disproved, either. The room for debate is what makes political discourse interesting and this post won't make everyone agree. I hope that the information in this post will help to improve the quality of our conversations.

Read the whole story...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Walls within walls

I returned home in 2006 after living in Brazil for two years. I reveled in being able to shower without needing sandals, in the foods I missed, and in being around my family. But there were things I missed about Brazil. Perhaps most unsettling to me was how rude Americans are.

It’s not as if everyone got in my business or said nasty things to me. On the contrary, everyone was kind and left well enough alone, which was precisely the problem. There was far too much personal space. I’d felt lonely for two years because no one called me by my first name: everyone called me by the title Elder because I was a missionary. By the time I was heading home, I missed my first name and the familiarity that goes with it more than flirting, dancing, or ranch dressing. But when I got home, I was an island.

Read the whole story...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Picking fights without trying

A friend of mine said something recently that might be true, but that I thought unlikely. Since I could hardly disprove what he was saying and since our difference was merely one of opinion, I simply said that I disagreed. I didn't think anything of it, but my friend started to express his frustration with me: I disagree with things he says all the time. In particular, he disliked the fact that I disagree so frequently with his political statements because he studies political science. If he were to disagree with everything I said about computers, we'd get nowhere fast.

Read the whole story...

Monday, September 13, 2010

Hints are bunk

For those who aren't familiar with hints, they are hopeful but ineffective communication. They are typically used when one person is obliged to say or do something, but doesn't want to say or do anything offensive to anyone else. If there weren't advantages to this form of communication, no one would bother using it. But their detrimental effects far outstrip their benefits. It's time for our communication to mature into clarity and honesty.

As a single man in a culture (that of Utah) that aggressively pursues the abandonment of singlehood, the examples that readily come to mind center on dating. Please apply the principles here to other aspects of life as appropriate.

The most important reason that hints are a negative is that they're so frequently dishonest. Read the whole story...

Friday, July 23, 2010

Principles of Communication

Introduction

In the last month, I’ve bothered a lot of people with things that I’ve said. As a result, I’ve thought a lot about what it is that we say and do that bothers people and I’ve tried to refine my understanding of the principles that should govern communication. I hope that they are as useful to my readers as they have been and will be to me. This is not an explanation of things that I do perfectly. It is an explanation of the ideals I strive to live.

These principles are applicable in all communication, but are particularly important when the messages we send are uncomfortable or unwelcome. It is easy to avoid offending people when we’re telling them how much we appreciate them or that they did something well, but easy to offend when we’re correcting, teaching, or disagreeing. It is in these “negative” communications that we are most tempted to violate these principles. However, they are as applicable in difficult situations as in easy ones.

Read the whole story...