"Do you like me? Check yes or no"
Have you ever thought to yourself as you watched a movie that it would be really boring if the characters communicated well? The plot twists and challenges that make a movie interesting usually come from the fact that they don't listen to each other.
Despite the fact that we recognize the problems in these relationships, we emulate them in our own lives. We guard our feelings and rarely say the things we actually think or feel. We wait for others to act, especially when action means vulnerability. And we assume based on insufficient data instead of asking clear questions.
To make things worse, our mass media tell us that it's more romantic if we don't talk about things. When the right moment comes along, we'll both just know. In my experience, waiting for the fireworks to go off on their own is a good way to ensure that nothing ever happens.
It's understandable that we resist direct communication; it can startle people – and startling someone in an arena such as love, where emotion is such a powerful force, is extremely risky. But you can't play it safe in love and have any hope of success.
We ought to be more concerned with what is true than we are with anything else – including what is comfortable. Even if the truth is unpleasant, it'll come out eventually – and uncertainty is almost as painful as (and hurts much longer than) unpleasant certainty.
We should recognize what we do and don't know to avoid unwarranted conclusions. Allow me to list a few common assumptions that are sometimes, but not always, right. These aren't terribly gender-specific, so feel free to adapt as you see fit.
- It's been 24 hours since I left a message and she hasn't called back. She must be avoiding me.
- It's been 24 hours since I left a message and she hasn't called back. This is inexcusably rude.
- He didn't hold my hand. He must not be interested.
- He didn't open my door. He must not be considerate.
- She seems withdrawn tonight. I bet she's changed her mind.
- He did this thing that I really don't like. He must have a serious character deficiency.
Instead of assuming or speculating, ask a question. I think all of the following questions are fair game, as are the responses.
- We've been on a few dates, but you're physically distant. Where do you see this going?
- I don't know but I know I want to keep going on dates to find out.
- To be honest, I don't actually see this going anywhere.
- Really? I just didn't want to rush you.
- What do you mean to communicate by holding hands? Kissing?
- Are you saying no because you're busy or because you don't want to go out?
- I want to go on dates but I'm really busy. How about we talk in a few weeks?
- I have something going on with someone else but I'm otherwise interested. May I call when I figure things out?
- Honestly, I don't want to go on any more dates. I was just trying to be gentle.
- What can I do to improve?
- You said these words. What I understood was this, but that doesn't seem right. What did you mean?
- You seem distant/distracted/peeved today. Are you okay? Did I do something?
- I'm just tired (not feeling well) today. It's not you and I'll be fine tomorrow.
- I do have something on my mind. It doesn't have to do with you but I would love to talk about it.
- Actually, there is something.
It is crucial to phrase questions well. Identify what you actually want to know and ask that. To stick to the facts and not your interpretation when describing another person's behavior. Ask questions that show both your interest in the truth and your interest in the other person. Make sure there's room for the other person to be genuine. In short, love first, understand next, and act last.
I'm frequently surprised by how natural the conversations are that start with these questions. In many cases, both of us want to talk about the topic in question but have been dancing around it for some time. It's not only natural; it's a relief to finally get it out in the open.
The idea of asking difficult questions is uncomfortable for many people and can be especially uncomfortable for those who feel that their gender role makes it unnatural to do so. But I cannot overstate the importance of each person asking hard questions: the fact that something confuses one party often comes as a surprise to the other and few people bring things up when they think they've already been clear. If you wait for the other person to bring something up, you could be waiting a really long time.
So if you want to know, ask.
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